City Target opens: Thousands of stoned, gay hipsters descend on SOMA

San Francisco, CA

After months of waiting San Francisco residents from all walks off life descended on the new City Target store located at 4th and Mission, on the first two floors of The Metreon. While many customers complained of strange urban smells and lack of free parking, the opening of the store was widely seen as a success.

When asked on how the opening weekend went regional store manager Martha Gaylord, who recently relocated from Minnesota to open the store, commented: ” I was expecting a bunch of stoned, gay hipsters, but we also got a lot of Chinese families and Task Rabbits picking up jumbo sized vitamins and chewy granola bars.” When asked for further comment on what group of people she would like to see in the store she simply said: “Well, variety is the spice of life.”

Several hipsters attending the opening weekend came to make sure the store still wasn’t cool, even with its new re-branded City Target name and sports-apparel-I-only-wear-in-the-privacy-of-my-own-home brand C-9. One hipster, Forest, reported: ” I searched the store up and down for sign of irony, none were to be found.”  However, his friend Willow countered: “There was a large ‘Local’ section toward the front with T-shirts that had words of neighborhoods and tourist attractions in San Francisco. Before I buy anything I always ask “Is it local.?” And, let me tell you, I checked the tags and they were made in China. That’s pretty ironic…. So I bought one. Just one, don’t judge me.”

Another hipster, Paul, was working the cash register here on the opening weekend and had this to say: “I moved out west from Minnesota to focus on my writing and hopefully find employment in the high technology sector.  Those jobs were pretty tough to get so I applied to retail jobs. Uniqulo said they were looking for someone who, gosh, how did they say, ‘wears brighter colors’; so I ended up working here. Target is based out of Minnesota and I moved out here just to work for a company from my home state, gosh, I guess that’s pretty ironic, eh?”

Several San Francisco State Students attended the opening weekend, many of whom were excited to actually have a store besides H&M that they can afford downtown. Cliff Canyon, an SF State Student studying Journalism said: “I was expecting to be overwhelmed, first by the number of selections, and the fact that I was totally faded after leaving a festival in Stern Grove. But instead what I found were clearly marked signs and great deals on flannel shirts.”

The new store opening was attended by a diverse set of ethnic and demographic groups. Many Asian parents were spotted shopping with their adult children who had been guilt tripped to spending their weekend with their families. One 24 year old Chinese female, Meng Meng, explained: “I just love spending weekends with my parents (rolls eyes), and having to explain why I’m not married yet and why I chose to work for a non-profit instead of my parents restaurant.”  By shopping at the new City Target, many Chinese with families who work in factories back in China rejoiced that they now have an easier way to send money to their families.

Many residents were delighted to find cheap prices on items they already purchase regularly. Kelly, a 22 year old office assistant from Orange County who currently lives in the Marina reported: “They have these Fiber One bars there that were on sale, 2 for 1, which I was definitely not going to pass up. You see, I’m on this diet where all I eat is a banana and skinny vanilla late for breakfast, a Fiber One Bar and a pack of almonds for lunch, and a BIG salad for dinner. Hehe, I’ve lost like 5 pounds.”

Gay residents from many parts of The City came to check out the store as well. Phillip, a 33 year old Merchandising Manager at The Gap explained: “You know, they have good basics here. You could totes put together a Halloween outfit on the cheap… Which is good because I just spent all my money this month on Vodka and shoes.  Speaking of which, did you see they had good deals on alcohol?”

Finally, with the new City Target located downtown Daly City and San Bruno residents are lamenting the loss of the one good reason to live out in the fog belt. What the further ramifications of this new big box store opening downtown will have on a variety of local businesses and the overall fabric of The City remains to be seen. Quinn, a hipster living in Bernal Heights proclaimed: “Man, this city is over.

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